Out past the electric lights

< < [Disregard this message, I beg you] > >
November 29, 2004 @ 4:33 am

I get these strange compulsions to write in here. However every time I write, I wish I had not written. So I will warn you that this entry will probably jump from topic to topic in a manner that does not make sense to you.

Captain Obvious says it is going to be December soon, hats off to him. But I know what December brings. It brings shopping and strange feelings. It brings the cold, both outside and inside. It makes me cold inside, like I am missing something. The thing is I have no valid reason to feel like this. Things are going well, I think I am feeling what most people will call happiness, but I am dreading December and I am dreading the next couple of months. January and February both include days that are very important to me, but those days have always been memorable for the wrong reasons.

I know it is strange, me remembering things, no way! Alas it is true, I do remember things. Ok so that’s a lie, I actually forget quite a lot. I have also realized that I forgot a lot of things . . . on purpose. (…you won’t ever remember what you try to forget…) Sure it seems oxymoronic, but it is possible. There are certain things that I have blocked out of my memory. The funny thing is something petty and unimportant will remind me of something so profound that I just stop what I am doing and go !!! (I realize you cannot actually go !!!, but bear with me). The more I think about, the more I realize that I should not have made some of the choices I made. However, I do not regret any of the choices I made (I hope that makes sense).

It is this no regrets mantra that leaves some people perceiving me as being cold, distant, and even emotionless. And to this I say nothing! Why you ask? Good question. I have dreams, thoughts, feelings, and fears much like everybody else, but I am a ‘realist’ (according to some, a pessimist according to others)

These thoughts are so incomplete. That’s what I get for not sleeping well and wanting to write an entry at three fifty in the morning, karma’s a bitch. Ooo speaking of karma, I am going to get (figuratively) fucked up the ass one day. So I am fearful that since karma is a bitch she will be intent on fucking me up the ass (again figuratively) when things are going well.

Sometimes I think this might be a dream, this can’t be real. He can’t be real. He’s too good for me. I have that problem a lot. But this one *really* is too good for me. He is everything I have ever wanted – smart, funny, attractive, and sweet as hell (he’s even a drummer for the love of shoes!) And for some reason he is with me – fucked up, self-centered, drama queen.

I thought I had escaped this bullshit. But this reminds me of a quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It goes something like this: . . .and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have . . (If you have not read the book, stop what you are doing right this second, go pick it up and READ IT. It is light reading that tends to cause deep thinking.) I just wish somebody would slap me and say GROW UP! I wish I would slap myself and just grow up. I am sick of being this dumb teenager, I am sick of not knowing why I think like this, I am sick of belittling myself, but I can’t seem to stop. No matter how much I want to grow up, how much I want to ‘mature’ I can’t stop myself from the thinking the way that I do. I can’t stop myself from thinking that I do not deserve good things. I can’t stop myself from thinking that I do not deserve him. Yah maybe I don’t deserve this, maybe I don’t deserve him, but it’s what I have, it’s what I am thankful for having. I do not know what I would be doing with myself if he didn’t show up when he did. And I am thankful for that. I am definitely thankful for him.

But I am still afraid. I am afraid that I won’t be good enough, that I will fuck it up. And like most people I am afraid of spending my life alone. I am afraid of being stuck in Las Vegas. This city steals little pieces of me everyday. I want out, let me out. What if I don't get a chance to go soon? What then? Let’s run away. Better yet, Let’s sail away take me with you. And what happens if I fall in love with him? This is very likely to happen especially when everything just feels right when I am with him. I am afraid; I know it’s a strange fear. It wouldn’t be so bad, I know. Hell it would not be bad at all, in fact it would be quite the opposite. But what happens if I fuck up? Or if I let myself fuck up. I am prone to messing things up. It’s what I do. WHOA I think I should slow the fuck down. I am getting quite ahead of myself. But it’s still a nice idea.

Jesus tap dancing Christ.

This whole entry has been one nonsensical digression and I apologize for that. I realize that the more I write the worse my grammar gets (and I curse more), so I apologize for that as well.

Please disregard all incoherent thoughts. Hell, please disregard this whole thing!

< + >


< < [Disregard this message, I beg you] > > November 29, 2004 @ 4:33 am I get these strange compulsions to write in here. However every time I write, I wish I had not written. So I will warn you that this entry will probably jump from topic to topic in a manner that does not make sense to you. Captain Obvious says it is going to be December soon, hats off to him. But I know what December brings. It brings shopping and strange feelings. It brings the cold, both outside and inside. It makes me cold inside, like I am missing something. The thing is I have no valid reason to feel like this. Things are going well, I think I am feeling what most people will call happiness, but I am dreading December and I am dreading the next couple of months. January and February both include days that are very important to me, but those days have always been memorable for the wrong reasons. I know it is strange, me remembering things, no way! Alas it is true, I do remember things. Ok so that’s a lie, I actually forget quite a lot. I have also realized that I forgot a lot of things . . . on purpose. (…you won’t ever remember what you try to forget…) Sure it seems oxymoronic, but it is possible. There are certain things that I have blocked out of my memory. The funny thing is something petty and unimportant will remind me of something so profound that I just stop what I am doing and go !!! (I realize you cannot actually go !!!, but bear with me). The more I think about, the more I realize that I should not have made some of the choices I made. However, I do not regret any of the choices I made (I hope that makes sense). It is this no regrets mantra that leaves some people perceiving me as being cold, distant, and even emotionless. And to this I say nothing! Why you ask? Good question. I have dreams, thoughts, feelings, and fears much like everybody else, but I am a ‘realist’ (according to some, a pessimist according to others) These thoughts are so incomplete. That’s what I get for not sleeping well and wanting to write an entry at three fifty in the morning, karma’s a bitch. Ooo speaking of karma, I am going to get (figuratively) fucked up the ass one day. So I am fearful that since karma is a bitch she will be intent on fucking me up the ass (again figuratively) when things are going well. Sometimes I think this might be a dream, this can’t be real. He can’t be real. He’s too good for me. I have that problem a lot. But this one really is too good for me. He is everything I have ever wanted – smart, funny, attractive, and sweet as hell (he’s even a drummer for the love of shoes!) And for some reason he is with me – fucked up, self-centered, drama queen. I thought I had escaped this bullshit. But this reminds me of a quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It goes something like this: . . .and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have . . (If you have not read the book, stop what you are doing right this second, go pick it up and READ IT. It is light reading that tends to cause deep thinking.) I just wish somebody would slap me and say GROW UP! I wish I would slap myself and just grow up. I am sick of being this dumb teenager, I am sick of not knowing why I think like this, I am sick of belittling myself, but I can’t seem to stop. No matter how much I want to grow up, how much I want to ‘mature’ I can’t stop myself from the thinking the way that I do. I can’t stop myself from thinking that I do not deserve good things. I can’t stop myself from thinking that I do not deserve him. Yah maybe I don’t deserve this, maybe I don’t deserve him, but it’s what I have, it’s what I am thankful for having. I do not know what I would be doing with myself if he didn’t show up when he did. And I am thankful for that. I am definitely thankful for him. But I am still afraid. I am afraid that I won’t be good enough, that I will fuck it up. And like most people I am afraid of spending my life alone. I am afraid of being stuck in Las Vegas. This city steals little pieces of me everyday. I want out, let me out. What if I don't get a chance to go soon? What then? Let’s run away. Better yet, Let’s sail away take me with you. And what happens if I fall in love with him? This is very likely to happen especially when everything just feels right when I am with him. I am afraid; I know it’s a strange fear. It wouldn’t be so bad, I know. Hell it would not be bad at all, in fact it would be quite the opposite. But what happens if I fuck up? Or if I let myself fuck up. I am prone to messing things up. It’s what I do. WHOA I think I should slow the fuck down. I am getting quite ahead of myself. But it’s still a nice idea. Jesus tap dancing Christ. This whole entry has been one nonsensical digression and I apologize for that. I realize that the more I write the worse my grammar gets (and I curse more), so I apologize for that as well. Please disregard all incoherent thoughts. Hell, please disregard this whole thing! < + >
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